Here's where we fell apart. We were on our second honeymoon at the Melia Bali in Nusa Dua.
We arrived exhausted, as we had both worked our arses off to get as much work done as possible before going on leave. We only saw each other at night when we were both collapsed on the couch. It was a stressful time, and I thought it would be worth it as we were both going to finally get the chance to relax and unwind.
The holiday was for eleven days. Five of those were to be spent at the Melia Bali, lazing by the pool and the beach, getting massages, and sight seeing around Bali. The next three days were to be spent on Lombok Island. We were going to snorkel all around the island. the remaining three days were to be spent in Seminyak, and the big focus there was to be on shopping.
You grabbed 3 bottles of Bourbon duty free on our way out of Australia. You drank the smaller bottle on the plane on the way up. You said you were getting into the holiday spirit. Besides the two Aussie guys we sat next to in the plane must have each drank at least 10 Bintangs each! You looked on at them and commented that they really had a problem!
On the first full day there, we had 2 hour spa treatments together. Then we had lunch, and then walked back to the resort. On the way back, I realised I didn't have my jewellery on. It was stashed in my bag. I started to put it on. You walked away. I asked you to hang on whilst I put on my jewellery so that no-one would see what I was doing. You walked away anyway, and said to me in an icey cold voice, "I'm not one of your dogs". Where did that come from? Why did you feel that way? I still can't believe you said it. That night you drank very heavily. You said good-bye to quite a bit of your second bottle of Bourbon.
The next day we went white water rafting. You were pissed off at having to be helped by our guide all the way down the uneven steps to the river. I know you felt helpless and embarrassed. Once on the water, we had a fantastic time. We water bombed all the other rafters. It was just the kind of crazy fun we needed. We had dinner at the resort. You drank a lot. You were really rude to the waiter. I called you on it! When you had finished eating, you closed your eyes at the table. Looking back, you didn't want to be there. We got back to our room. You again hit the bottle ..... hard.
The next day, we went sight seeing for the day to get to know Bali. You said you would prefer to sit in the front of the taxi with our driver rather than in the back with me. You said it was so you could go over the map with our driver. Looking back, you were just wanting to put distance between us. We were on the way to eat a seafood dinner on the beach at Jimbaran Bay. The driver warned you there'd probably be nothing much to eat for vegetarians. You said we'd go anyway. The driver was right. You didn't care. I was cold, you didn't even want to get close to me to warm me up.
Back at the resort, you asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. I told you I didn't. I was a bit hurt about the way you'd been treating me. You said you'd go for a walk by yourself. It was 8pm. You returned at 11.30pm. You said you'd been out having drinks with some nice guys, and you owed them some money. You grabbed some money and rushed out again. You didn't return until well after midnight. We were due to go to Lombok Island early the next morning. You were clearly drunk when you got back. Within seconds of your head hitting the pillow, you were sound asleep. I was awake and seething. I couldn't sleep at all.
I woke you up at 4.45am. We needed to be up at 5am to get the fast boat to Lombok Island. I asked you what was going on. I said I didn't want to continue with the holiday if this was the way it was going to be. I told you I was thinking about going home. You told me that you'd come home also. That really shocked me. I felt a horrible sickness come over me. I realised we were unravelling. I faced it head on. This was my question to you: "Do you want to stay on, and try and make things better between us, or do you want to cut our losses?" You went to the toilet. When you returned, you said to me, "Umm, I think I want to ...... cut our losses".
I can't really describe the depth of despair. The pain. The hurt. The humiliation. I asked if you were sure, because there'd be no turning back. You said you were. I handed back my rings. You took them. We were both crying. You told me that it was just that we saw things differently. You wanted to enter into a discussion about what was so wrong. You know, the "you didn'ts" and the "you should haves". I told you I didn't want to get into it.
Being in the depth of despair at a beautiful resort was a cruel irony. It's meant to be a happy place! There's the sound of laughter and play in the pool. Couples walking around hand in hand. Families playing together. That Balinese music that gets inside your head.
I was in total turmoil. The pain was screaming inside me. I had to keep repeating it over the over to myself. My marriage has failed.........My marriage has failed .........My marriage has failed. I won't be with him anymore. I was a failure. I was so alone. The distance between me and my family seemed too great for me to bear. I desperately wanted to be with them.
I couldn't comprehend what was happening and why. I walked around the resort trying to sort out what was going on. I was crying like a baby. I had to hide away in remote spots where I could cry out loud. I couldn't hold it in.
We checked out of our room. We agreed to stay on the resort grounds, but to give each other space. On the way out of our room, I asked you how long you'd been feeling this way, and why you hadn't said anything before this, or tried to salvage it. You told me that you'd tried to tell me in lots of ways and I hadn't listened. You said that I often made comments that made you unhappy, and therefore, you were unhappy with me.
By 9.30pm that night we were our way to the airport to catch our return flights to Melbourne (via Sydney) that I had arranged. At the ariport, you told me I looked terrible. I told you I'd be fine. You assured me that you knew you looked okay, but that it would hit you later.
It took us well over 15 hours to get back home. They were 15 long and agonising hours together. It took every part of my mental strength, discipline and dignity to hold it together. Suddenly it wasn't okay to touch you. You were the same but very different. We did the whole trip back together side by side, but very much apart. I had pledged to myself to "keep myself nice" and I did. No bickering. No hurtful comments. No blaming. The casual onlooker wouldn't even had known anything was wrong!
When we got home, you packed up some of your things. I helped you pack some warm jackets; and the other things you really needed. You made sure you packed your grog to take with you.
You gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and you were gone.
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